Memory Day

I went to Misty's grave today. Cru and I. A few weeks ago, the night before Mother's Day, we bought a potted plant--pink petunias--with the intention of taking it to the gravesite the next day. Well, Mother's Day was kind of a rough day for me, and Cru didn't really want to make the trip to the cemetery, so we put it off. And put it off again the next weekend. And, well... Today, since I didn't have work, and Cru was out of school, and, of course, it being Memorial Day, it was a really good day to make the ninety-minute drive to the cemetery in Brownsboro. We put the plant in the ground at the foot of the grave, and cleared some of the dead grass and weeds from the remaining mound. We gathered a few of the fist-sized rocks that were lying around and arranged them where the headstone will go (it's on order... should only be a couple more weeks). In all, we only spent fifteen or twenty minutes there. We turned around and drove the one and a half hours home again. Despite the long trip, I'm glad to have gone.

On the drive home, I recalled that Misty often told me (in our early years of dating and marriage) not to bring her cut flowers. "What's the point," she would say, "they'll just die. If you're going to get me flowers, get the whole plant." Then she would tell me that she had no luck keeping houseplants alive, and didn't like gardening, and that it would just be a waste. So, I felt like I was off the hook for all those years. Of course, later on, she told me that she changed her mind. For her birthday in 2007, while I was traveling, I sent her a small potted purple orchid. She absolutely loved it. She tried her best to keep it alive, but it shortly turned into a dry stick. She was very sad about that. That was the last time I gave her flowers. I'm very sad about that.

I think she appreciates the pink petunias I brought her today. Even if they don't survive long.

Good books

In dealing with my grief and new family situation, I've been reading some helpful books. One of them, a very stirring book which has been around for a long time and has been widely quoted and cited has given me some--not exactly new, but re-framed and reinforced--perspective: Viktor E. Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. The first part is a moving account of Frankl's time in Nazi Germany's concentration camps. He explains that even through the most terrible situation imaginable, deprived of literally everything, Man can and must find meaning in life. The second part is more of a scholarly scientific document. Listening to the audiobook was good, but I think I'll need to read it for myself to get all the stuff that's in there.

Another book, Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute, is also not exactly new concepts, but a very helpful rehashing of concepts that are familiar to me. Ultimately, it's about charity and loving thy neighbor, but reworked into a system that even I can grasp. I won't try to explain the principles here because I won't do it justice. It's an easy book to get through, with the principles laid out through a story with plenty of great examples. The audiobook was great, but I think I'll have to get the print copy so that I can highlight and underline and reread some of the passages.

I heartily recommend both books.

There are other books that have been recommended to me that I have purchased, but just haven't gotten to yet. I started Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson, and Believing Christ by Stephen E. Robinson, as well as I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by Gary Lundberg and Joy Lundberg. I also read/skimmed through Jesus Wept by Joyce Ashton and Dennis Ashton which has a lot of good information on grieving and dealing with loss. Also on my reading list is Bonds That Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner, The Peacegiver by James L. Ferrell, and Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis. No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover also bears another reading at this point in my life. All that, and of course, a chapter or two of The Book of Mormon every night and a few verses from Doctrine and Covenants in the morning with Cru before work and school.


I've also read some very good fiction as well. I recently finished the Mistborn trilogy by Brandon Sanderson. Sanderson is excellent! His work (so far) is also something I can recommend to anyone who enjoys a good novel. I first read his stand-alone book Elantris which turned me into a fan. It was a fantastic book that left me wanting to read a lot more of his work. When I learned that Sanderson will be finishing Robert Jordan's epic Wheel of Time series, I decided that I'd better read the first eleven books (and these are BIG books!) so that I can read the ONE that Sanderson is writing. Now that I've finished the Mistborn trilogy, I still want to read more of what he has to offer. I've started his Warbreaker, but because it's not yet available as an audiobook I haven't gotten very deep into it yet. If you want to give Sanderson a try, this is the book to do it with, since he's giving it away free (in PDF format, available on his website).

How am I doing?

I don't feel single... I feel half.

Even when I'm focused, I'm distracted.

I feel pureed inside.

I woke up today, and for hours, I felt simply lost.

I feel sustained by the Spirit of God. I am not trudging on, but am being carried through these difficult days.

I am grateful for--and overwhelmed at--the outpouring of love and support from those around me. I thank God for all of you every day.

Tonight, I called my voice mail (on the home phone) just so I could hear Misty's voice. Three times.

I miss my wife.

Funeral arrangements

Arrangements are planned as follows:

11:00 Family lunch . . . . . . . Garland LDS Church
12:00 Viewing . . . . . . . . . . . Garland LDS Church
1:00 Family viewing . . . . . . Garland LDS Church
1:30 Funeral . . . . . . . . . . . . .Garland LDS Church
2:30 Travel to gravesite
5:00 Graveside service . . . Cemetary
6:00 Family dinner . . . . . . Athens LDS Church

The address to the church in Garland is 2701 N. Garland Ave.

All are welcome.

...gone

Misty passed this morning at 2:27 am.

We're planning a funeral for this Saturday.

Thanks again for all your prayers and support.

Hanging on by a thread

Things are about the same, but I know those of you reading this are all just waiting to know how things are going. There's really nothing new, except that Misty's slowly fading. She's breathing, but that's about all. She mumbles from time to time, but is mostly incoherent. From time to time, Misty will open her eyes and reach out, muttering something unintelligible. We tend to believe that she's seeing and talking to the spirits of people who are close to her and her family. We know that Misty is barely hanging on to life. We think the time she has left with us can be counted in days, if not hours.

Thanks to all who have showed up to visit Misty and called to express your love to her. Thanks for the help in taking care of the needs of my family, so that I can spend these final days and hours by Misty's side. Thanks for the prayers. Thanks for everything.


----
It occurred to me that perhaps Misty has already received the greatest miracle of all. I thought of this brief passage of scripture today:

"And, behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee.
For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk?"
-- Matthew 9:2,5

Going... going...

Misty is not doing well these days. Since she's been home from the hospital, she hasn't been able to keep anything down... or more like in. See, everything Misty eats or takes in through her feeding tube leaks right back out from around her feeding tube. Her bowels aren't moving at all--the nurses say they hear no bowel sounds. In short, food isn't moving through her intestines and she's getting no nourishment and very little moisture. Unless there's a miraculous change, Misty isn't going to last long like this.

Last night (3/28), a little after 11 pm, Misty collapsed. Her muscles completely gave out and she sank to the floor. I thought for a moment that this was the end for Misty, but then she took a ragged breath and moved her head. Her nurse and I got Misty into a wheelchair and brought her into her room. I asked Misty if she could see me and she responded with very slurred words that she could see only black. Again I began to think that Misty was fading fast. I told her through my tears that I loved her and that if she needed to go, that we'd be ok. Suddenly her eyes popped open, as if to say that she wasn't going anywhere. I asked again if she could see me and she responded that I was "sparkly". We moved her from the wheelchair into the bed and got her comfortable. We thought for sure that it wouldn't be long. We brought in Paris and Cru (Paris was already awake, but Cru was sleeping). LeAndra was staying the night with one of her aunts, and calls were made to bring her home. Misty's nurse tried to take her blood pressure but her machine was unable to pickup a pulse. We sat with Misty, crying with each other and waiting. Misty's brothers and sisters all showed up as the night progressed as we all expected that these were our last goodbyes.

Around midnight, Misty seemed to stabilize. She returned to the condition she was in during the day--very tired, not speaking much, and mostly laying very still--but stable. The nurse was able to get a blood pressure reading which was low, but present. Around 3 am, many of us started dropping off to sleep.

By morning, not much had changed. In fact, now, more than 24 hours later, Misty is still about where she was. A little weaker, a little more exhausted, but still about the same. Again, without a miracle to get Misty's bowels pumping again, she can't survive long like this.